How Acceptance Can Change Your Life
There are many ways to change your life but most of them require hard work. But one of the most powerful and life changing concepts I’ve come across actually requires you to do less work. That concept is acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, acceptance is an active process, and it will require quite a bit of practice to become natural, but ultimately practicing acceptance means that you can do less by stopping the constant internal struggle against the world as it is. When anything unpleasant happens our first reaction is often to get frustrated, fight against it, desire something different, worry about it, wish it away, etc. Acceptance is simply recognizing reality and not trying to change it. Ultimately, learning to choose acceptance will allow you to let go of the negative internal reactions and simply acknowledge circumstances as they are without resistance. And that’s exactly what acceptance is: a choice. It’s a difficult choice, but it is in our control to choose it over and over and over again.
I’m not personally a Buddhist, but one its most powerful teachings is that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. We all experience many unpleasant things in our lives but it is our resistance to those things that causes most of our suffering. When we simply allow things to be as they are in the present moment we can replace that resistance and suffering with compassion and understanding of what is and is not in our control. The wisdom of the serenity prayer can’t be overstated: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It is very important to emphasize that accepting something does not mean that you like something, it does not mean that you want it to keep happening or that you are giving in to it. It simply means that you allow space for the facts as they are. You don’t need to be happy about it. You simply need to acknowledge things the way they are. Acceptance doesn’t mean you should be passive and give up trying to change circumstances that you don’t like. In fact, accepting situations you don’t like will make it easier to change them. When we struggle against reality and wish things weren’t as they are, we actually hinder our ability to cope and respond to difficult circumstances. While it may make us feel good, we are actually allowing our emotions to control us and get in our way. So while you can wish for the future to be different (and constructively work towards it) it is pointless and harmful to resist our already existing circumstances. By accepting the situation, you move past the anger, frustration, and struggle, and open yourself up to focus on the changes you want to make. When you focus on what is instead of what is not you will be better equipped to make the changes you desire.
Acceptance is usually a key piece in therapy and in helping to heal old trauma or wounds. It isn’t until we truly accept the past that we are able to move on. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is centered around these beliefs. First clients are taught to separate themselves from their immediate thoughts and emotions about negative events. Next, they learn to utilize mindfulness where they can begin to watch and accept these negative internal experiences come and go without struggling with them. From there clients can begin to commit to new goals or changes in their lives.
The concept of acceptance is very simple but it is also far from easy. It is a habit, and an unnatural one for most people, which means that you need to choose it and you need to practice it. A lot. Eventually it will become a natural part of who you are. Once you catch yourself choosing acceptance in a situation, you will also begin to notice other people who aren’t accepting situations and who are bringing misery upon themselves by struggling against reality. Noticing this self inflicted pain in others will help steel your resolve in choosing acceptance every day.
In the coming days, when you see yourself getting upset, actively choose acceptance and see what it can do for you. Begin to make this a habit and practice it on a daily basis. Struggle less, suffer less, and accept more. It will change your life!